Things Guys Shouldn't Do
by Chantastic4
Summary: A collection of short stories from Guy Mansion about things the Guys really shouldn't be doing.
1. Don't Let Erika Babysit Your Dog

Don't Let Erika Babysit Your Dog

Told by Archer

There are many reasons you should never let Erika babysit your dog. I would know. One day I went out with my girlfriend and Erika offered to babysit my Beagle, Porthos. Course I said yes because I usually have to order my own irresponsible crew to get off their fat butts and watch my dog. Don't tell them I think their butts are fat...

Anyway, I went out with my girlfriend, leaving Porthos in the expert care of Erika. At least, that's what she said, adding a, "Shut up, Kalil! I can watch a dog!" I think her crew needs more discipline if they insult her like that.

But when I came back home Erika didn't have Porthos with her. She claimed the Mistreated Pet Agency took Porthos and arrested her. She didn't look very arrested if you ask me.

But I went into the backyard in search of Porthos anyway. Turned out Erika was right about the Mistreated Pet Agency. There was a cardboard box hanging from a tree by a string with those words written very sloppily on it.

And standing underneath was Trip and his girlfriend, Dax. I asked if Porthos was there and they led me past several dead animals in more cardboard boxes. I got to admit, I was slightly scared, especially when I noticed some of the boxes were filed with dead Guys instead of pets.

Then I saw Porthos, as dead as the rest of them, if not deader. And he was shaved. Somebody shaved my dog until he was completely hairless. So I complained all day until a group of doctors finally revived him.

I spoke to Erika later that day and she explained that Porthos got hot and she shaved him. I asked her how he died and she claimed she didn't know, that she was thrown in jail right after she shaved him. I suspect the Mistreated Pet Agency...

I WILL get my revenge...


	2. Don't Let Dax Have a Bat'Leth

Don't Let Dax Have A Bat'Leth

Told by Royce

Secret Agent Master-Fling-things-at-my-head-and-I'll-kill-you here. You may know me as Royce, but seriously, that's not the point. I am on an undercover secret spy mission for my Marshall, and it's top secret so I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

I'm under orders to spy on Dax at a certain time of day. Every afternoon at exactly 3:61 she goes into her room and gets her Bat'leth out. A long time ago during the dinosaur ages it was agreed she should be locked in her room while she used it because things get dangerous.

So at 3:60 every afternoon somebody stands guard at her door until she goes in. Then they slam it shut and activate the Super Dax Proof Lock and Forcefield.

So here I am, in camoflauge mode under the rug in front of Dax's room. It is 3:59. I must hold position for two more minutes. Wait, I hear something. It's Dax! She's early!

"Hi, Royce," she says. I don't think she saw me yet. She went into her room. She's getting her Bat'leth! The person who's gonna close her door today better hurry up. She's coming out. She's screaming a warcry. Oh no! AAAAAH!

I just flung myself out a window. I think I just saved my own life. I hear screams and more murderous warscreams from Dax. Wait, she's coming outside. AAAAAAAH!

She just knocked a tree down. Ooh, she took out Tarses and about five girls trying to protect him. There goes one of our doctors. I must run now, she's coming straight for me.

Ah! I just tripped over a dead person. That's another doctor down. Alright, here's the plan. I'll go hide in the house, create an army of the surviving Guys, and we will defend Guy Mansion!

Alright, I'm in the house hiding in the corner like men do. I failed to create an army as there are no surviving Guys. I see Dax. She see's me!

These Guys have not died in vain! Actually, they have... But I will avenge their deaths anyway! Attack! RAAAAA!

Sadly Royce didn't survive. Nobody did. Not even Dax...


	3. Don't Let Julian Near Tarps

Don't Let Julian Near Tarps

Told by Julian Himself

I wouldn't go near a tarp if you gave me a million dollars! They are man-eaters! They are a health risk! Whoever invented tarps is stupid. They probably got eaten by one.

One day, me and my random bud, Malcolm Reed, were innocently jumping in the pool when this big, black tarp started roaring and jumping at me!

So I screamed, it was a manly scream mind you, and Malcolm started screaming too. I honestly don't think he knew what was going on.

I took off and flipped over the rail. I think Malcolm was drowning at this point, and I was gonna go back for him, really I was! But the tarp was in the way so I did what is now called 'The Doctor Run' down the path.

I was zooming around the backyard but the tarp sure kept up. I have no idea how, since tarps obviously can't run, but secretly I think it was flying. Everybody knows tarps can't fly any better than they can run, but i believe it was. People would think I was crazy if I said that.

And then I got a wonderful idea! I ran into the house with the tarp on my heels to get weapons. Awesome idea, right? I told everyone else to run but they just stared. They all probably went into neural shock.

But no matter, the tarp only wanted me, so I grabbed three handfuls of hyposprays and ran out the door. I would heal all the neural shock victims later.

That was when I ran into Malcolm. I don't know how he survived drowning, but I was glad he did! We ran down the path together with the meanybutt tarp still roaring and chasing after us.

Malcolm shot it with his phaser guns and I threw hypospray after hypospray at it but it seemed immune to all our attacks.

We were brave warriors but eventually the evil tarp caught up with us and ate us up with its tarpy mouth. So now we are dead. And that is why I advise you to stay away from tarps.


	4. Don't Let Kat Build A Rocket

Don't Let Kat Build A Rocket

There once was a time when the Guys got punished for unexplainable reasons. The punishment was no space travel for a month. Some Guys thought this was a stupid punishment, but others couldn't handle it.

Miranda Kadohata, otherwise known as Kat, couldn't handle it. She decided to secretly build a rocket and visit the sun.

At first other Guys tried to tell her she'd burn up if she went to the sun but she only told them, "If I go at night when the sun is off I won't burn up." So they stoped trying to save her life.

She gathered many things to build her rocket and she finished in two hours. She believed she made the perfect rocket. Nobody else did. That was understandable since her rocket was literally a toaster taped to a monster truck tire.

She got ready to leave one night and all 35 of the other Guys gathered around to see her fail. But instead of failing she took off toward space on her 'rocket'.

The Guys got a telescope and watched her all night. They say she couldn't find the sun anywhere. The next morning the sun came up and the 35 remaining Guys gathered around the telescope.

They spotted Kat speeding toward the sun and landing on it. Then she blew up and the sun blew up and earth blew up and the galaxy blew up and the universe blew up.

Now everyone is dead because of Kat. Can't say the slightly more sane Guys didn't try to warn her.


	5. Don't Let Janeway Sleep Unsupervised

Don't Let Janeway Sleep Unsupervised

Told by Chakotay

"The captain has a bad habit of sleepwalking. She's fallen down stairs, got hit by cars, and drowned in the pool on many occasions because of sleepwalking.

"It wasn't a problem after we made sure her door was locked each night. But just yesterday Crell was experimenting and blew her door up with a human bomb. Kathryn has taught her crew well, including me, so some of us took guard duty that night.

"Tom was in the middle of the room making sure she stayed in bed. I was in the doorway and everyone else was lined up down the hallway in case she got past any of us. We thought that was unlikely.

"We figured out just how wrong we were. She stood up and flung her pillow in Tom's face, causing him to flip over backwards a couple times.

"She karate-kicked me, crime-rolled under Tuvok, leaped over the Doctor, head-butted Seven, and Kes was sleeping on the job. I honestly didn't know a sleepwalker could do all that.

"It would have been alright if we could've only caught her. And maybe if she hadn't wandered down the Romulan Hall of Pain and Torture. That's where Kalemma lives.

"The whole hall was set up with killer traps and stuff. Good thing we were there. the captain set off each and every trap Kalemma had set up so far.

"Tom rescued her from the first trap, a giant axe that swung and cut his head off. Tuvok was second to give his life for Kathryn, falling into a hole filled with spiders, snakes, targs, Romulans, and who knows what else.

"Next Kes got a poison spear stabbed through her brain and a massive hammer fell on the Doctor, crushing his mobile emitter. Seven got strangled by a rope that nearly missed the captain, and then I was the only chance Kathryn had left.

"I leaped through the air to grab her when a giant spike shot through the ground and went right into me. Captain Janeway continued unharmed into Kalemmas room where I imagine she was eaten.

"And that, Reporter, is how it happend," I said. Kairn nodded, pulling his microphone away from me. "Qapla Chakotay, son of Kolopak. You died with honor and songs will be sung in your name," his camerawoman Thayer said, which confused me since she wasn't Klingon. And how did she know my fathers name?

"Thank you for your story Chakotay. I will put it on Guy news tomorrow morning," Kairn said. "I'll be sure to watch it," I said.

Then Kairn and his camera crew left and I died. And I must say, I was HOTT on camera.


	6. Don't Let Kes Go Shopping

Don't Let Kes Go Shopping

Every week the Guys run out of food and stuff. Actually, sooner that that usually because they start food fights and...other things that will not be mentioned.

So every week Odo, the perfectly capable and actually SANE guy leader, assigns the job of food shopping to a couple Guys. If they refuse he goes all Odo on them so they learned to obey him.

Now, Tom has gone shopping before and surprisingly managed to accomplish it. So that's why Odo sent him along with Kes this week.

It was Kes's first time so she forgot the shopping list. They came back to get it but couldn't find it anywhere. Later it was found out Keevan ate it. He went to court for that...

But anyways, Kes made a new one, unsuccesfully trying to teach Tom to be patient bacause she takes long, and they left again.

And they came back again. Fortunately for them the forgotten list was only half eaten this time and Kes thought it was good enough.

So they finally made it to the store with their half-list and, while Tom was gloating because he thought he was the best cart-pusher ever, Kes shopped. And then the Incident happened.

Tom started a traffic jam with other cart-pushers. But that was normal when Guys shopped. Until Kes did. She got in front of them all and started lecturing them on traffic jams, patience, being nice, shopping carts, peanut butter, and road accidents.

This made everyone very impatient and so they all ran her over. About four days later the Guy ambulance arrived next to her and tried to save her. But they were exactly 0.895 seconds too late and Kes didn't survive, so she died.

And she was never allowed to go shopping again.


	7. Don't Let Seven Have Crayons

Don't Let Seven Have Crayons

One day Seven found a cayon shoved under the couch. This caused a war in Vietnam. This is how it happened...

At first she tried to eat it. And she did. But she barfed it up later. Then she used it for target practice. May the Guys whose lives were taken by a crayon rest in peace.

Then she figured out what it could really do when she randomly flung it at a wall. So she colored every single wall in Guy mansion with her crayon. That's alot of walls.

Odo yelled at her harshly for this. But she got kicked out of the mansion when she colored on Odo's face. He was not a happy Changeling.

So Seven ventured off to Vietnam and decided to color things there. She colored the houses, trees, stores, food, people, ground, and sky.

The Vietnamese people got so mad they started a war against Seven. But they had no idea about her secret weapon. THE CRAYON! Half the Vietnam population is gone because of Seven and her crayon.

But she was in trouble when the other half attacked HER with crayons. She managed to survive the whole war but then her crayon broke. She had a mental breakdown and she still can't be helped.

Guys tried giving her more crayons but it didn't work. They were all the wrong color in her opinion, even though they were all the same color as her original crayon. Which was white, by the way.


End file.
